They say that home is where your heart is.
I guess, I haven`t find my home...
I`m more than hundred percent sure, that I`ll never find friends like mine again - I miss them too much. I wan`t to sit in the car with Uldis, cause he has the best party music ever, I want those serious discussions, when none of us wins. I want to smoke waterpipe with Reinis and talk about everyone and everything, I want to hear those pervert jokes from Pawasars, I want to to cook pasta for Raimonds and I really want to go to Rihards place and drink some tea, I miss having quiet Dainako on my couch and I want to have a smoke together with Klinta and I really miss catching crabs and driving party buss together with all of them.
The point is that - it took a long time to build theese relationship and to get to know and understand them. But here.... I need to start everything from the beginning. And it`s hard, if you don`t really want to let others too close. It`s enough with the ones I have already, but I need them NEXT TO ME. HERE.
It doesen`t makes a sense, that everything is fine here in other cases.
Few days ago I was quite depressed, cause I realised that I don`t want to work in kindergarden anymore. There is nothing bad about it, but I just don`t find myself there. I have to see the reason and the outcome of the things I`m doing. In the kindergarden I don`t even feel that they need me a lot - everything is planned there minute to minute. 2 teachers in the class + me and Boris. C`mooon, that`s too much. And there is no self-development - I want to practise things, which I can use in my future life. I don`t see, how the cutting, sticking, painting and drawing is going to help me with this.
So I spoke with Gamze today and now I`m going to kindergrden just 2 times per week. I`ll work just in the afternoon group, where children loves me too much. The rest of the time I`ll go to GESOGED and work with office stuffs - writing/ aplying/ searching projects and so on. Sounds good for now. I feel much better already. Thanks to Gamze. I`m the lucky one to have her here ^^
Soon it`s gonna be Bairam here. For me it means nothing more than 10 holidays, but for turks it`s some kind of celebration, when they kill alive cows in gardens, behind the houses, on the streets or in surburbs. If I remember right the story and meaning of this killing is: many years ago there was a man. One day God asked him to proove his trust in God by killing his son. It was a hard decision, but he didn`t had another choice, so he took the son and wanted to take away his life, when suddenly God changed his mind and took a pity to the son and asked man to kill an animal instead of his son. Since that time people are sacrificing cows and sheeps to show their trust to God and also help to the poor people - every family, which kill the animal has to donate some part of meat to poor people around them. I hope that I`m right - if I`m not - you are welcome to correct my mistakes.
So, anyway - I was planning to go to Istanbul during that time, but now I start to doubt, cause Ray told that going there means staying totally without money, cause you can spend more than you have. And most probably you`ll do that. And as I should save as much money as possible for december, when Darta will come to visit me - I think I`ll stay at home.
This decision scares me a bit, cause I cant imagine 10 doing-nothing days in Balikesir, most probably I`ll loose my mind and so on, but I need to sacrifice something to have a good time in December :)
I`m waiting for you a lot Dārta - really, really miss you too much ^^
I`m totally tired right now. This was a long day for me and tomorrow I have to be at Gesoged quite early, so I`m going to bed right now.
And sorry my dear latvians, that my latvian blog hasn`t got any new post since I don`t know when. But for me it`s too hard to write in latvian :D And it`s useless to write the same 2 times, just in different languages. Maybe I`ll make some translations one day, but now try to understand this nightmare :D
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