My song of tonight.
We never went far... needed to go far.
I`m cleaning my room, throwing away hundreds of things, changing the order of furniture, buying new things...
I`m eathing almost nothing for around one week already. Surviving mostly from banana milk-shakes and some ciggarettes. I want to work hard. Since early morning till late night. I just feel a desire to do that. Coffee. Normally I don`t like coffee, but last days it`s more than 4 cups, 5 cups, 6 cups per day.
and... and... and... I think that I am affraid. This is the way, how I try to escape from my tougthts and from what I am. You know, after my family came here, something changed in me. Or maybe just made me to remember who I am and where I`m comming from again. But I don`t want it. I don`t want that life anymore. After everything, what has happened during last 2 years, before I came to Turkey, I don`t want to go back.
My only wish is to keep all that far, far away from me. I don`t feel strong enough to let it back inside me to analyse, to understand and after that let it go. Not yet.
It`s absolutely crazy, what is going on inside me now. I want to clean my mind so much, but I don`t know, how to do it. That`s why last days I am washing my clothes twice, polishing my nails for hundreds of times, making some fucking order in coputer and office documents. I`ve never wanted to be so pedantic in my life. So strange. I feel artifical, I feel not like me.
Yeah, I want to leave life in Latvia behind. I don`t know anymore, what was real or unreal there, because in time everything fades out. There is just a few people and places I still miss, but I`m not sure, how long it`s gonna last.
Somehow, I feel lucky here, but tought that in 3 months I have to go back is making me crazy. Actually no - it was my plan to go back after 10 months of my EVS and the only reason was to see Aiga after such a long time, but now she said, that probably around that time she will be in Canada... no, then I`m staying here till the end and maybe even longer, if I`ll find a way to work or study here. Yeah, till the end, my Turkey.
This is what I wanted - independence, absolute freedom, challenges, international environment, discoveries, being on my own and creating my story far away from past, prejudices, "intelectual" conservatism and people, who knows "better", what is wrong or right for me.
I still remember the faces and reaction of people, when I told them about my decision - to do EVS in Turkey. It was crazy - "EVS?", and "in Turkey? :O" and "how about University?" and "what will you do after?" and "isn`t it just wasting of time?" and so on. I remember it very well. Stupid.
Who has said that the typical way of living is the correct one? Who has said that the diploma of whatever university, hours and hours in lectures, lot of money and work will make ME happy? For now my aim is not to have the greatest car and most expensive shoes in the city.
I just want to be happy, and this is my way. And this is who I am. Small girl in big, big world :)
Uff yaa, I`m thinking so much last days. Maybe too much. I just want to make everything clear - with every person, thing, place, tought. And this is what I`m going to do. Step by step, day by day.
And another song with amazing lyrics :) Thanks to Selčuk :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR6uz_VTCUo&feature=player_embedded#at=121
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