If my mind only knew how to shut up for 5 minutes and give me a break of a thought race, I would probably be sleeping like a baby at this hour on a Tuesday night. Instead, I lie in my bed completely naked with my thoughts and wonder - why it is so hard to make decisions and how to agree with your own choices in life?
Many years ago, when I was going through very difficult times in life and decided to move to Spain, on my way I was hosted by a very inspiring person in Tallin, who left a note in my travel book saying "Decisions are the ones that move time. If you want a change, make up your mind".
At that point these words made me feel confident about the choice I had made and up until this day I can often relate to this quoting.
As mentioned before, my mind is a loud one and it never stops questioning, analyzing, judging, jibjabing and in the middle of all this noise I came to a conclusion that I am simply bad at deciding. No matter what`s the matter, I heavily struggle with going one direction or another. I get stuck in the middle and waste plenty of time by just standing and waiting for a push, which most often arrives when it`s quite too late already.
And I have been thinking a lot - why is that? Why can`t I make the important choices before the emergency arise?
Love for having all the options open is one of the possible answers popping up in my head. I have caught myself stuck in front of many wonderful opportunities without getting involved, because I feel like something better might come along, while I`m busy. Now, said out loud and typed on a white background right in front of my own eyes, it kinda feels like a ridiculous thing to do, but well...part of healing is admitting that you have a problem.
Just that can`t be it. Maybe I want it all - both freedom and commitment, loneliness and crowd, books and a techno rave...It is surely an identity crisis, double personality and fear of deciding what personality aspects to leave behind and what to drag along as the new person I`m becoming.
The truth is that now it`s time to change and grow up, but at the same time my inner child still tries to fit in shoes that are way too small already. Maybe that is why moving on hurts and feels uncomfortable - accepting the fact that the old you is no good any longer and not knowing exactly how the new you should be like can be very frustrating.
Therefore I come to a conclusion, that it is ok to lack certainty in the decisions. It is ok to experiment by stepping both ways, just to know how it feels. But the most important - it is better to make a decision and deal with whatever consequences might follow, than being stuck in middle and waiting for a push.
