Still running for life.

I just freaked myself out while going through the old, unpublished drafts. There is no way I can continue to deny the fact that in one way or another I must be depressed. 

I don't think I recall the last time my chest felt light and I wasn't choking on the tear ball that's made my throat it's residence. There's no memory of a day I felt like I belong and didn't doubt myself about...well, pretty much everything.

Oh. Not that I asked for it, but it appears that anxiety has moved inside of me permanently. I often think of how to explain, how exactly it feels and it's like being asked to run for my life with my legs and arms tied together.

Inside I constantly feel the fear, tension and unease about everything - any time.  My heart starts to race out of a sudden and bangs my chest from inside out like it's escaping its own prison. Hot flashes wash through my body almost as often as the neighboring church rings its bells (which by the way only adds to my anxiety, like any other loud noises).

All the Valeriana supplies are finished (and no longer helpful) and the only refuge I encounter is on days with an extremely busy schedule, which doesn't come together so easily as planning such a day requires a pair of hands and legs that are not tied together, while trying to run for life.

What I am trying to say is that it's very difficult to get better while feeling so miserable as there is nobody to switch on that light at the end of the tunnel and help one carry the weight that's pressuring the chest. 

Running out of ideas here. Is it going to feel like this forever? ://

Moving on or am I?

“Everything was forever until it was no more.” 

I’ve told myself millions of times to get over it! Life goes on, people change and that’s the end of it. Or maybe they don’t? There’s a chance you never really knew them, nor they knew you…

That’s the truth and it stings like the ice-cold wind that strikes against your cheeks on a frosty winter day.

Weeks, months and years go by and it’s difficult to comprehend how people who were once an inseparable part of your life become the strangest of the strangers and you just stand there and watch the bridges burn.

Adios.

Maybe scientists were wrong or the Facebook quote, which said, that `Friendships that last more than 7 years, will last a lifetime` was fake. Perhaps, it`s not supposed to last. It might become true, that friendships, that have lasted even longer, do not survive the pressure of time. People change, they grow up and sometimes grow away from each other. As we age, our realities and life struggle become way heavier than crying over a guy who kissed another girl at the high-school ball night. Every single decision is way more difficult than before and the consequences last way longer. 
And maybe we don`t know how to be there for each other anymore. Long friendships are like heavy suitcases filled with everything we know about the other person. 

We mistake in thinking that it is enough. 

Level 0

Maybe sometimes people did not actually change. Maybe you just never knew who they really were.

I am far from being an expert at letting go. For everything I have ever loved or cared for there's a picture in my head. I hold on to it like that's the only reality there is. Time goes by and the reality keeps slapping me in the face telling me that everything is different now, but I'm reluctant to believe even though everything life tells me I should probably try.

There are times when I just don't know how to be. Stuck between then, now and what will be, I struggle to figure out which way the wind is blowing and if I want to go with or against it. 

I think I am ready to move on. Everything around me seems like an empty bucket, that has nothing to give, but makes lots of noise when I kick it with my thoughts. Here I am, at my own level 0 again, looking for a sign of where to begin the journey forward.

Draw the line.

Where do you draw the line?

It has been more than 10 years of absolute misery being thrown at me from whatever is left of my family. It's a part of my past that's blood bound, therefore not easy to throw away just like that.
I've done all that's in my power as a human being to limit the communication to close to nothing, not because I want to, but because I can't live and breathe otherwise.
In over 10 years I haven't received one happy call, one genuine "how are you". Their lives have been difficult, but so has mine.

Let's talk about IT

There is this huge elephant in the room called Loneliness. Nobody wants to talk about it, but tonight I feel like I do.

If you asked me not so long ago, I would probably be ashamed to tell people that despite being surrounded by many, I often feel lonely. It feels like in our society being lonely is considered as a weakness or a consequence of not being able to build and maintain relationships, so people avoid discussing the one subject, that is possibly suffocating many from inside. 

Obviously, there are millions of reasons why human beings surround some people and abandon others. Life happens, we grow up and grow apart, we say things we didn't mean, we forget to call, we get hurt, we are too proud to say sorry, we act egoistically.... the bottom line is - we fuck up. Everybody does.

But WHY DON'T WE TALK TO ONE ANOTHER? Why do we allow ourselves and people close to us to fill up their rooms with elephants instead of being there for one another?

And somehow, when I see articles that there are ministers of loneliness appointed by the European governments, it becomes clear that it is no longer a problem of an individual, but the society as a whole. 

Make it stop.

Hot flashes racing over my body as I try to fall asleep. Every noise, movement or thought is making me anxious. If only being asleep all the time would be an option. So tired of getting dressed and having nowhere to go, no-one to meet.
While achieving some level of stability in life has always been my ultimate goal, now I know that the purpose is the only thing that truly matters. Not doing anything, not being useful to anyone and missed by anybody is the hardest feeling to live with. I feel so isolated in my own world and as the days pass it is getting worse. Feels like every hour I live sets me further from everyone and everything and I have no idea how to make it stop.

The broken bicycle.

We are all broken in one way or another. Like a bicycle with a flat tire - you can keep it moving forwards, but it`s damn hard. 

I often feel like my life is like a broken bike, which I don`t know how to fix, but still need to ride it in order to get from one place to another. Damn difficult.

No more & no less than that.

All these skids are created by myself... Invented, drawn, stroked, scolded and wrecked. 

Does not matter how far I travel and what I chose as the mission of life, the sensation of not belonging does not leave me alone. Like a heavy, humid blanket it wraps around my body wherever I go. It has been with me for such a long time that without it I almost feel naked and ashamed. 

With a help of simple calculations I have come to a conclusion (very hard to accept) that most probably it is not them, it is ME. Behind the thick layer of sarcastic jokes and waterfall of self-confidence there is scared soul that aches understanding, acceptance and love. No more and no less than that. 

2018.

Another year has gone by with the speed of light and my mind has trouble getting used to the idea that it`s 2018 already. It`s my third year in Copenhagen, 5 years since I moved to Barcelona and 8 years have passed since I landed in Turkey. So much has happened in between, but so many experiences still surround me like it was just yesterday.

I won't lie, I was anticipating this year to come. I somehow feel like everything until now has been building up the base, that I so desperately been craving for ages. Stability is achieved, YAY! An absolute and utter checkpoint, that has not skipped not even one of my personal to-do lists.

A lid of an empty jar.

It`s a dark room with single candle lighting up the shadows of uncertain shapes on the ceiling. The window is wide open allowing in the last bearable breeze of the Indian summer nights. It gets darker wayyy earlier than it used to. And I contemplate my life much more often than I used to. The years I`ve spent trying to understand my inner-self and building the universe around me are now as useless as the hours I'm wasting now trying to find out what the hell is going on.
I`m a lid of an empty jar that`s stubbornly impossible to open.

I don`t think I can.
I`ve given up as many times as I`ve fought, but there is no way to achieve a piece of mind. Just one message, one call, one notion can crush every brick of strength I`ve built into the wall that`s supposed to protect me.
Well, it doesn`t.

It`s not only seasons that change.

One bottle of wine later...
Out of nowhere the time that used to race at a speed of light has slowed down. It feels like it`s been 9:43 for hours already and I`m not sure if I would like to reverse it or spin forwards.

There I go again

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough I don't know why

Keep making me laugh,

Let’s go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

There is some sort of magic in simplifying complicate things and complicating simple ones. Day and night, we all dream of a delusional world we`d like to live in and when it arrives, it`s just not good enough. 

It`s like good enough is not good enough. There is some sort of magic in suffering. Nobody wants to, but everybody does. Pain is something hard to let go and as sick as it sounds, that`s how it goes. We strive to be fine, but when things are getting better, we freak out, because we`re used to worry. Pain is part of our being and so is longing. 

There is no such a thing as full stop in life. That moment, when it really feels, I`ve had enough of whatever and it ends here. No. Once you reach a full stop, a question mark appears. Is it really it? Is this where I end? No. We want to continue. Continue to rise and continue to fall.

Choices

If my mind only knew how to shut up for 5 minutes and give me a break of a thought race, I would probably be sleeping like a baby at this hour on a Tuesday night. Instead, I lie in my bed completely naked with my thoughts and wonder - why it is so hard to make decisions and how to agree with your own choices in life?
Many years ago, when I was going through very difficult times in life and decided to move to Spain, on my way I was hosted by a very inspiring person in Tallin, who left a note in my travel book saying "Decisions are the ones that move time. If you want a change, make up your mind".
At that point these words made me feel confident about the choice I had made and up until this day I can often relate to this quoting.
As mentioned before, my mind is a loud one and it never stops questioning, analyzing, judging, jibjabing and in the middle of all this noise I came to a conclusion that I am simply bad at deciding. No matter what`s the matter, I heavily struggle with going one direction or another. I get stuck in the middle and waste plenty of time by just standing and waiting for a push, which most often arrives when it`s quite too late already.
And I have been thinking a lot - why is that? Why can`t I make the important choices before the emergency arise?
Love for having all the options open is one of the possible answers popping up in my head. I have caught myself stuck in front of many wonderful opportunities without getting involved, because I feel like something better might come along, while I`m busy. Now, said out loud and typed on a white background right in front of my own eyes, it kinda feels like a ridiculous thing to do, but well...part of healing is admitting that you have a problem.
Just that can`t be it. Maybe I want it all - both freedom and commitment, loneliness and crowd, books and a techno rave...It is surely an identity crisis, double personality and fear of deciding what personality aspects to leave behind and what to drag along as the new person I`m becoming. 
The truth is that now it`s time to change and grow up, but at the same time my inner child still tries to fit in shoes that are way too small already. Maybe that is why moving on hurts and feels uncomfortable - accepting the fact that the old you is no good any longer and not knowing exactly how the new you should be like can be very frustrating.
Therefore I come to a conclusion, that it is ok to lack certainty in the decisions. It is ok to experiment by stepping both ways, just to know how it feels. But the most important - it is better to make a decision and deal with whatever consequences might follow, than being stuck in middle and waiting for a push.

Just ride

There`s no use in talking to people who have home.

They have no idea what it`s like to seek safety in other people - for home to wherever you lay your head. 

I was always an unusual girl.

My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean...

And if I said I didn`t plan for it to turn out this way I`d be lying...

Because i was born to be the other woman.

Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone,

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn`t even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me. 

Cuz there`s this tune I found
That makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep

mister know-it-all

 Most of people that travel and end up living in another country earlier or later face a struggle of integration. I am 24 years old and my journey throughout 6 years abroad has lead me to many conclusions and still - every new day can bring plenty of surprises.
Tonight I was having a great time at work. I truly enjoy bar-tending although it takes some guts and after few hours of giving away your positive energy and smiles to people you will probably never meet again, one can feel quite drained and exhausted.
And there I was - after running non-stop for couple of hours, I finally got to go out for a cigarette and rest my feet. As I lit up my cigarette, a group of locals approached me. - "Heii, we know You! You`re the bartender, you`re great, we`re having such a nice time!" - they said. I felt really happy to hear they were enjoying themselves and we kept on chatting for couple of minutes until a Danish guy asked, where I was coming from. - "Latvia" - I answered. He looked me into the eyes and pointed at me with his finger and then said: "Oh, so are you poor?". He giggled thinking he`s made the most clever and hilarious conclusion on planet Earth.

Am I poor? Of all the billion questions he could ask about my country of origin, was this the most relevant? I was not sure how to react as at that particular moment as I was there just resting my legs, not begging for food or money. I was finely dressed and obviously did not appear as a person in need. And even though it was the case, is that a question a human being would ever ask another human being while there are plenty of other exciting things to talk about..?

This conversation tonight just summed up all the integration related discomfort I have felt since the day I arrived in Copenhagen. I am shocked. Denmark is one of the most developed countries in the world and yet - ignorance and rudeness is seen on every single corner. Many of them excuse it as their dark sense of humor. I am a big fan of sarcasm and I`d like to believe I know the line where humor turns into a complete and utter disregard.

Judging people by their place of birth is nothing but pigheaded behavior and only ones that have never truly traveled and opened their minds can do so. Country of origin does not make one a better person, it is not something one has earned.
Money does not make one rich, it is experiences, open mind and kindness that adds value to a person.

So, this is for you, mister Dane - Yes, I am from Latvia and no, I am not poor, The only poor thing in our short conversation was your stupid stereotype and I hope life will bless you with mind-cracking experiences, because the world surely does not need another closed-minded asshole that feels satisfaction from hurting feelings of others.

Remember, you`re a human

Good morning world!

My alarm was set for 9:30 in order to wake up early enough to make something beautiful out of this day. Last few days in Copenhagen have been extremely warm and sunny and I couldn`t wait for the day to start. 
I was woken up by a message signal even before my alarm rang. First thing I saw was the gray sky outside my window, the second  - message from a friend about explosions in Brussels airport and metro...Again? Out of a sudden my chest become very heavy. Just couple of moths ago it was Paris, then there have been several attacks to Istanbul and Ankara and now Brussels...
Immediately I lost the motivation to get up from my bed.
So far me, myself and I have been lucky, all my friends are safe and so am I, but my mind is gradually filling up with disgust, fear and anger.

I had a hope while growing up - I was watching an amazing transformation of the world. For me as a child joining EU was an amazing experience from a humanitarian perspective. We worked on international projects that were to raise awareness, build culture bridges, get rid or racism, promote equality and peace. I loved it - I truly believed that everyone deserves same rights and it is wrong and unfair to judge a person by their origin. My mind had become so open, that I was scared it would fly away. I can`t recall any feeling more beautiful and lifting than this one and I wished everyone would see what I see and feel that there are no difference between skin colors, nationalities, religions... On the bottom of our hearts we are all human beings with our own hopes, life stories and pain. 
People called me crazy and naive, said to be more careful and cautious, but I had so much belief in good that I really believed that I`ll be raising my children in a peaceful and intellectual world where everyone has the same respect and opportunities.

Now, only 8 years later, every time I open a news channel I want to throw up. Humanity is dumbed down and brainwashed to a level that they are no longer in charge of their own thoughts and actions. TRUMP and ISIS are only two of examples of power of leadership which works great for the masses. We are tricked into thinking that we must hate each other, we must fear each other, we deserve more than other....
People supporting forces like these have one basic thing in common - they are stupid. Very stupid. Only for beings with an extremely low intellect, hatred, judgement and death can be sources of motivation. They stick to negativity like fish get stuck in an oil spill in the sea.And there we go - world`s greatest weapon is made out of ourselves and we are here to kill each other.  Why? The answer is simple - it is very easy to hate and extremely hard to love. 

All their actions lead to one, very simple result - chaos. People get easily distracted from what is really important in life. Peace and love does not generate power and wealth, so why would you fight for it? It is easy to control and unite people by fear - couple of ISIS bombings in the world and out of a sudden half of the population hates Muslims. That is exactly what they want - people who are united by anger and hatred. 
I believe this "war" has nothing to do with religion. Religion is (and has always been) just a tool to control masses of people and it can be interpreted in many ways. On the bottom line it`s bullshit. 

What am I trying to say with this? 
Please stop! If you want to watch something - watch National Geographic instead of Trumps speeches or Kardiasins shows. Follow whatever you want to follow, but do not let hatred and violence guide you. Do not support anything or anyone who promotes racism, cruelty and inhumanity. Do not follow blindly the news... Believe in good. 

Basic human beings, like most of us, have very little influence on what is going on in the world. But then again - avalanche is made of little fluffy snowflakes that dance in the air before they turn into a huge disaster. 

Despite everything, just be careful. The world is going trough a shit storm in every possible way and nobody knows how long it can last like this... But what we can do is prove to ourselves that we are not just bunch of dumb numbers on a peace of paper. Make our lives worth it by doing and believing in good. 

Integration in a two wheel society

Time flies as always.
Despite the persistent grey sky, I have learned the, what I call, Danish optimism. "Almost sunny" is just as good as sunny, and "almost a good deal" makes me feel like the winner in the most ridiculous situations.

It is not easy to find words to describe the contrasting feeling you get while living in Copenhagen.

On the one hand this city is disgustingly sterile. In specific occasions I swear I can almost feel a smell of chlorine in the air. Think of the uncomfortable feeling you get in a hospital, where everyone wears a poker-face and the awkward silence within white walls makes you anxious. Some sort of humble perfection is the local aspiration. Rule is a rule and no exceptions are ever considered.

On the other hand - pure anarchy. If there is one nation in the world that does not give a damn, it`s Danes. Society here behaves exactly the way they dress - it`s mostly black or white. Or both. Designer clothes and heavily gelled hair during the day and a Miley Cyrus style fiesta with no boundaries during the night. 
But somewhere there in-between the Iceberg stiffness and monotone colour palette there is a vibrant city full of people riding bicycles, chasing ambitions and melting down in front of different internationals who have chosen to live here and love Copenhagen as their own hometown. The struggle of integration is real, but deep inside I feel it`s going to be worth it. 

After 4 years on the coast of Mediterranean it is definitely a culture shock for me although I come from a very similar background. Building relationship and getting to know people is moderately challenging, but despite that it also feels like this city is full of opportunities to grow and develop. 

Copenhagen trough my eyes is a very hype and active place that strictly follows its values and stands strong against most influences from outside.  
Most probably I should just stop comparing Denmark with other places I have lived. You can`t squeeze a lemon juice out of apple and I can only blame myself for trying. Instead it`s time to learn how to make a damn good lemonade from the ingredients that are on the table.

I never knew

I never knew
the weight of nothingness
before it broke some ribs
by trying to escape my chest

Follow

If you want to know, where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wonders.

There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.

I`m not a cup of of a hot peppermint tea on a cold winter night. Nor I am that magical and slow Sunday morning, when you are allowed to wake up without an alarm. Instead I am shot of espresso you have right before going to bed. I am the last drop of a hand moisturizer. I am that storm that breaks out from a clear sky while you are waiting for the buss.

Sometimes I am happy to be the wrong in everything that`s right. But most of the times I feel akward...

Hey, but all of us are different, everyone has their little sparkle in eyes and a dusty skeleton in a wardrobe. But some of us are more similar to others even in their differences. And then there are people like me - struggling with becoming a part of anything, because we don`t know how to blend in