Pass it forwards

We were driving incredibly fast. That was the fastest I have ever experienced in my adventures seeking life, but it totally felt like not enough. I was looking for a danger - those moments, when you pull the gas grip and the front wheel of a motorcycle lifts up in the air or, when you try to sneak through the traffic jam going really fast and tack in between cars, never knowing, which car might be the "too close" one.
Strong wind was crashing in to the helmet and my hands were strongly wrapped around the waist of driver. I wanted to let them go, lift them up into the air and feel an absolute freedom of fear and pain, I had experienced in past few months. "Faster, faster" I urged. Adrenaline raised and I could not stop myself from desiring more.
First time in immeasurable time I caught a while of inner peace. For a moment my brain stopped and I felt so released from the shit storm that was going on in my head. Nothing, but that one moment. I will always remember it as something special.

P.S. to myself: ONE DAY GET A MOTORCYCLE AND LEARN TO DRIVE. FAST. I MEAN IT.

Now I realize that 8 months in UK was a nightmare. I have never been so unhappy, unsatisfied, tired and exhausted of my own life. Never. Wrong place, very wrong people, who drained me and my happiness. Now, when I have started my "recovery" in Spain, I look back and can't recognize myself. So much I have changed.... too much. When was the last time I laughed from my heart? When was the last time I lived a day without swallowing tears and pretending to be fine and happy?
A long, long time ago. First time in my life I have a regret, first time I feel that so much time has been wasted...
But not anymore. Never ever again.
Thanks to Universe, that I have so extremely amazing friends, who were there for me in the right way, when I needed it the most. There are no words to describe, how grateful I am and how much it means to me, how much they actually saved my life and me. I`m so full of good vibes so I`m gonna pay it forwards.

Time passes so quickly and world changes in front of my eyes, it is not easy to follow. Now it has been 1month and 16 days since I lost my mother - definitely the closest person I have ever had. I still have no idea, how to react, how to be, I don`t think about it, but nearly every day my breathing problem reminds be of that sad bit of reality. 
It happened like a jiff... like a blip... like a flash.... just... I wasn`t ready. One day she is there exchanging philosophy of life with me and the other day I am late already. Too late to say for the 1000000th time, how much I love her and how much I need her in my life. I still repeat it every single day with a hope that she hears me..that she knows... 
I will always remember the fear I experienced, while she was in hospital. I was so scared to call, to scared to pick up the phone, so scared of bad news. I didn`t know how to deal with it and now I blame myself for not reacting fast enough, for not being there till the last moment. 
I have never wished to turn back time, but this time I do... just to see her smile and let her stroke my hair in a way she always did, tickle her and make her laugh. 
No idea, how much time it`s gonna take to get over it. Will I ever? Of course I will. Time is the best medicine and I`m taking it. 

But no more sadness, I am just trying to get it out of my system step by step, word by word...
I am back in Spain and everything goes really well for now. Nearly all the documents are sorted, got a job (or two), going to start my training on Monday in a place I like a lot. Planning to apply for a Spanish course in August, need to get my bycing card and then I`m gonna fit in this crazy city like everybody else. 
It was a very good idea to come here and start everything from zero. Totally and utterly the right decision. I feel free, my inner joy is returning, new dreams are born and Barcelona is always full of fun and mad surprises, I like that.
Soooo, cheers for better days I guess! Everything is going to be alright and Im falling in love with life again!