There is always a little truth behind every "i am kidding" a little knowledge behind every "i dont know" a little emotion behind every "i dont care" and a little pain behind every "i am okay".

I have never wanted to be anybody else, this is what I know for sure. But also, at the same time, being me is not that easy as it might seem. Eternal  fire, anxiety, inside storms and wars. This is what makes me ME. But I wish, I really desperately wish one peaceful day, one day without any fear, thought or war. Peaceful as a snow-capped forest or small lake next to house of my grandmother. A day, when my eternety lasts just for 24 hours and nothing else matters.
To be honest, I think, that I have been unbreakable and strong for too long time. Right now, at this moment, I feel that my mind and heart is full, totally full with everything, I have kept inside for many years. Too many, I guess...
It is like being a bird, which can not clean his wings. With every turn, every movement, they get covered by more and more dust and at the end it is too much to carry, too hard to fly. There is just one way and it goes DOWN. But maybe it is good, you know, to sit on earth for a while, give a time for myself to clean inside and outside from dust, which has made my being, my life a bit too heavy.
It is always like this - from distance everything looks just gorgeous, but when you come closer, or even better - look inside - there is something, what nobody wants to see, hear  or feel. 

What is strange and what is confusing - last days it is hard to figure out, why should i wake up in the mornings? There is no point to live, if you don`t know what you want, if you have no aims, no plans, no hopes or wishes. And everybody is expecting something - "tell me, what will you do after? where will you study? are you looking for a job? you should come home! you are doing wrong!" NO NO NO, I don`t know anything. And yes, maybe I am wrong sometimes, but according to what? Which standarts excatly? And how can any life be wrong? We are all trying, working hard, hoping for something better. All of us have some methods, different ways and stories. How can we be wrong, if we are still learning? And this is OUR lesson. Who are the others to evaluate and say: "NO, it is wrong."

Damn, I really don`t want to live in the box and standarts, but also I can not eat air and love all my life. The real reality is strict, so also that`s why I am so fucking confused.
I feel so homeless and disordered. How it comes, that home is a place, where  I don`t want to return? Just some people there... and I even don`t know, if they are still the ones, which I am missing so much. Many things has happened and changed and we have not been together and shared. It is possible that golden strings between us, which we had before, now will be about to brake and fade away.
Last 2 months of my project are passing right now and I MUST go away, cause after the 1st of September I won`t have my residence permit, flat, money, job... it is fucking hard to leave everything here. It was even more easy to go away from Latvia. I love my life here, I love Kito (my cat), my Gesoged family, 
my friends, room, streets, food....

What can I do sometimes? I think this period will drive me crazy, I am too weak to fight for something, so I`ll just let the flow to bring me wherever it want`s.