A gray day

Gray, gray sky with hundreds of gray birds chaotically messing around. Feels like watching a silent movie, when it is all about your own interpretation of scenario according to the scenes. They might be chasing food or preparing for storm or just having some fun into the wind streams. I so wish to be a bird, to have the freedom they have and wings, which can take them anywhere in the world. If I could fly, I`d be far, far away long time ago already.
But I am not a bird, not even anywhere close. I am the one laying in king size bed and watching clouds and birds passing by through the dusty window in my bedroom and just hoping that a miracle would happen and the gray sky would turn into sparkling blue and let sun to direct it`s beams all over my body and make my soul feel a little bit warmer in this world, which feels so cold and scary today.
The decisions we make are the ones that move the time. None of the possible ways to walk can guarantee a safe journey and destination.

But it is always worth a try. Only stepping out of the comfort zone gives a chance to experience life from different perspectives and I am never going to say "NO" to the chances that are given. I just need to get ready inside of myself, to get back the real Sunshine, which has kept me and people around me alive for such a long time. Right or wrong, but all I want is to make everybody happy, which at the end drains myself, because that is something impossible to do. I know that. I have been there, tried and failed. A FACT.
Did I choose the situations that surrounds me? No...Do I control behaviors and failures of my brother or illness of my mother? NO. Do I understand, how much it affects my life and relationship with my partner? YES. Do I have any idea, how to get out of this rat race? NO. The only thing I know is, that even if I did not choose to be in such a position, it all happens because of me and is my fault. Life drops challenges and difficulties on my way, so that I can learn a lesson and change myself into a better person.
And my lessons are not easy ones. They carry lots of pain and emotional storms. I don`t have a lot at the moment and I totally risk to loose all the best I have, which is love and understanding. And how do I expect to be understood, if I am a mystery for myself? 
I am not here to complain or moan. I am just looking for some strength and knowledge, how to make the right decisions, how to give peaces of me to the ones in need, without doing bad, when I think I do good. 

Birds can walk on the gable of room without any fear to fall, they have wings, they won`t...They have extremely good sense of balance, light bones, perfect vision and sense of space. When the storm comes, they just enjoy the free ride in wind, open their wings and sail in the air.
I can`t be one of them, but at least they are good reminders to take life a little bit more easier, look at things from above and try to see the common scene instead of concentrating on details.
Love, peace and pure happiness - that is all I need and that`s all I want to give.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. 'Watch out for', and pass all the pebbles in your path, and you will find you have crossed the mountain. A good and trustworthy moutain guide always helps on this journey :-)