Still running for life.

I just freaked myself out while going through the old, unpublished drafts. There is no way I can continue to deny the fact that in one way or another I must be depressed. 

I don't think I recall the last time my chest felt light and I wasn't choking on the tear ball that's made my throat it's residence. There's no memory of a day I felt like I belong and didn't doubt myself about...well, pretty much everything.

Oh. Not that I asked for it, but it appears that anxiety has moved inside of me permanently. I often think of how to explain, how exactly it feels and it's like being asked to run for my life with my legs and arms tied together.

Inside I constantly feel the fear, tension and unease about everything - any time.  My heart starts to race out of a sudden and bangs my chest from inside out like it's escaping its own prison. Hot flashes wash through my body almost as often as the neighboring church rings its bells (which by the way only adds to my anxiety, like any other loud noises).

All the Valeriana supplies are finished (and no longer helpful) and the only refuge I encounter is on days with an extremely busy schedule, which doesn't come together so easily as planning such a day requires a pair of hands and legs that are not tied together, while trying to run for life.

What I am trying to say is that it's very difficult to get better while feeling so miserable as there is nobody to switch on that light at the end of the tunnel and help one carry the weight that's pressuring the chest. 

Running out of ideas here. Is it going to feel like this forever? ://