FORTEEN. ALREADY.

Buss was slowly mooving on the way back home. It seemed that way from Ankara to Balikesir will be neverending or even more. 590 km = 9 hours in the buss. 
Head and Heart so full. Kind a choking feeling. That`s great that out of the window, there is unbelivable views, which make me stop thinking for a while and forget everything, what makes my comming back home so hard. Huge plains in all possible colours are turning into high mountains, which are under the sunshines and clouds. My breath was taken away every moment, when this wonderful and amazing nature showed up. This is the land of contrasts - next to the roads there are many people working on fields, without any tools or smth. They are trying hard in to the hot, hot sun, to breed some onions, watermelons, melons, patatoes and so on, to sell them latter for funny prices. But I`m sitting in the bus and enyoing the benefits of climate control. I have my own TV with 14 channels. Things which are happening outside - they doesen`t affect me at all. I turn on my tv, lay back in chair and vent to my feelings, which are riving me from inside.
I MUST GET IT ALL OUT OF ME.
Emotions are haotic. I feel happiness, guiltiness, stress, fear, butterflies and everythin inside. That`s strange. Theese days in Ankara showed me something very beautiful - real feelings. It was something amazing, how much people are ready to do for somebody else, if the feelings are real. I think I have never felt nothing SO STRONG in my life. That`s why it was so hard - to say NO, I don`t feel the same. It destroyed all the magic of the moments, but I had no other choice. I don`t want to fool anybody, so this was the only option. 
But anyway - I was glad to meet a person, who see me really as I am. And it was ok for him. I was good enough. Maybe first time in my life I was really good enough. And I didn`t had to do anything special or act like someone else. I was me. It was amazing and painfull at the same time, cause I don`t know, when I`ll meet a person, who will like me so much again, in my life, but there are some moments, when you can`t help yourself. You feel as you feel and that`s it. 
Road signs omened, that there is 200 km till Balikesir. It`s nothing for the measurement of Turkey. Toughts about all the things experienced during this trip, had sucked me empty. The sky clouded and it begun to rain. I closed my eyes and tried to turn off all my toughts. I did it. 
I woke up in Balikesir. 
Now I`m at home. That`s still strange to call this place like this. I feel a little lonley, despite all the millions around me. I need MY PEOPLE here. I want to take night walk, smoke some ciggarets, talk about everything and nothing.
But it`s fine. I still have some time to make friends. 
Seems, that this is the moment, when feeling, that THIS IS REALITY is comming over my mind . Doesen`t matter - I still don`t want to go home. It mens, that I`m fine. :)