24.12.15
From century to century human beings have worked hard on building the values of families, cities, countries and nations. There is a detailed data of history available on exactly what happened when someone had miscalculated and misused their beliefs opposed to others. Humanity has made unbelievable mistakes plenty of times and what I find the most hard to believe is that the lesson has not been learned. You can not destroy someone else without injuring yourself.
17.12.15
Winter is coming
Another stormy night in Copenhagen, I can hear the breeze of wind smashing against the rooftop window and I am sure it is strong enough to leave some damage. There is roughness all over the place. Constantly grey sky, harsh people and heavy emptiness has become a part of my surroundings.
Hard to admit, but I know that it is only a reflection of myself. I feel lonely. And it is not such a thing that one is ever ready to say out loud... But I do feel alone, because I have lost a bit of me throughout the journey.
My own mind and body feels uncomfortable. Bits and peaces are breaking down to be replaced with something new soon. I don`t want to be whom I was and I don`t know whom I could become. Tied up in-between with a lack of direction.
In my mind I know that all I feel now is only a result of stepping out of the comfort zone. Another year, another country, culture shock and new responsibilities prove that it does not matter how high you climb, whenever you start a new life it also means hitting the bottom in some way...and the other way round - hitting the bottom always leads to starting a new life and leaving behind the old "skin". I had grown a thick one during the years of self-protection and probably it is the reason why tearing it off hurts so bad that there are moments when it feels like it`s not worth the pain.
But I know it is. The road that I have started now is not a survival game anymore, it is a step up.
Hard to admit, but I know that it is only a reflection of myself. I feel lonely. And it is not such a thing that one is ever ready to say out loud... But I do feel alone, because I have lost a bit of me throughout the journey.
My own mind and body feels uncomfortable. Bits and peaces are breaking down to be replaced with something new soon. I don`t want to be whom I was and I don`t know whom I could become. Tied up in-between with a lack of direction.
In my mind I know that all I feel now is only a result of stepping out of the comfort zone. Another year, another country, culture shock and new responsibilities prove that it does not matter how high you climb, whenever you start a new life it also means hitting the bottom in some way...and the other way round - hitting the bottom always leads to starting a new life and leaving behind the old "skin". I had grown a thick one during the years of self-protection and probably it is the reason why tearing it off hurts so bad that there are moments when it feels like it`s not worth the pain.
But I know it is. The road that I have started now is not a survival game anymore, it is a step up.
30.9.15
THIS
It is strange how day by day nothing seems to change, but at the end everything is different already - the well known quote by an unknown author perfectly describes the reality I live in now. Only as little as a month ago I was laying my pale body on Barcelona`s beaches, getting Milky Way high and dancing until the Spanish sunrise gave me a reality check and reminded me to go home.
It took ages to get ready mentally and make a step away from the only place I have called mine in many years, but here I am - alienated in Copenhagen. Palm trees has turned into bicycles, rooftop terraces into local pubs filled with smoke and partying until the morning into snuggling up right before midnight.
If anyone asked me, what stepping out of a comfort zone is, my answer would be - THIS. I`m studying, for God`s sake. Waking up at 6am to be at school at 8am to finish it at 3pm and start work at 16:30 and arriving home around midnight to sleep around 5 hours and go back to the circle of madness and no me-time at all. Everybody keeps telling me that it is only the beginning, that`s hard, I do agree with that, but so far Copenhagen does not make me feel at home. By feeling at home I mean being MYSELF.
Distress and discomfort are definitely the most powerful indicators of growth, but hell, they can squeeze the life out of me. I have lost the count of in how many perspectives live has showed me myself and now I must face another new one.
A deep breath and chill, sun is shining and hey, it`s actually not that bad - I am making a step towards something bigger while being surrounded by friends I had missed a lot. Patience is the key word. And I`ll need tonnes of it.
Funny, how much of a culture shock I can receive in a place that is actually so close and similar to the place I originally come from. I had already forgotten that the coldness of North is not matching with my Mediterranean blood type. I`ll just keep repeating the mantra of a "higher purpose" until I reach that point of uniting my head, body and heart in this place at this time. Challenge accepted? It is indeed.
6.9.15
A recipe to fuck up
You'll need a dozen of swallowed words
And a glass of held back tears
A song with totally fucked up chords
While adding surrendered fears
Then add a tiny pinch of guilt
Slow-cooked and stirred for a while
Make sure that the water you add is spilt
On top chuck some broken smile
Mix all together in a tiny bowl
Smaller than size of your head
If there are no leaks and no holes
Then try to go to the bed
Close your eyes to fall asleep
And feel how it starts to boil
Let yourself to become a creep
Then wrap up the mix in foil
Store it in dry, dark and quiet place
Make sure that nobody knows
Show to others pretentious face
And see how far it goes
And a glass of held back tears
A song with totally fucked up chords
While adding surrendered fears
Then add a tiny pinch of guilt
Slow-cooked and stirred for a while
Make sure that the water you add is spilt
On top chuck some broken smile
Mix all together in a tiny bowl
Smaller than size of your head
If there are no leaks and no holes
Then try to go to the bed
Close your eyes to fall asleep
And feel how it starts to boil
Let yourself to become a creep
Then wrap up the mix in foil
Store it in dry, dark and quiet place
Make sure that nobody knows
Show to others pretentious face
And see how far it goes
Possessive love
When you fell in love with me
It was for who I am
You adored my swearing
At drivers in traffic jam
You saw me flirting with others
And held me when I was high
I never cooked you a dinner
But instead I made you cry
I'm not a bird for a cage
You knew it before we kissed
I can't be the one and only
Cause of all the commitments I've missed
I told you my saddest stories
And you said that it was OK
You knew about all my worries
And that for me it's too hard to stay
You made me feel
Like my messy mind
Is something you can deal with
And always stay kind
But now when I'm open
And totally yours
You want me to change
You seemed to be bored
You've locked me up
With a possessive love
All what you fell for
Must get rid of
Choke me to death
Oh, that's what you like
Promise me roses
And leave me with spikes
You're love is so wrong
It's more like obsession
And I think you must leave
After reading this confession
You can't fall for one
Then crave for another
I am who I am
My dear, now, ex-lover
It was for who I am
You adored my swearing
At drivers in traffic jam
You saw me flirting with others
And held me when I was high
I never cooked you a dinner
But instead I made you cry
I'm not a bird for a cage
You knew it before we kissed
I can't be the one and only
Cause of all the commitments I've missed
I told you my saddest stories
And you said that it was OK
You knew about all my worries
And that for me it's too hard to stay
You made me feel
Like my messy mind
Is something you can deal with
And always stay kind
But now when I'm open
And totally yours
You want me to change
You seemed to be bored
You've locked me up
With a possessive love
All what you fell for
Must get rid of
Choke me to death
Oh, that's what you like
Promise me roses
And leave me with spikes
You're love is so wrong
It's more like obsession
And I think you must leave
After reading this confession
You can't fall for one
Then crave for another
I am who I am
My dear, now, ex-lover
ADEU
WHEN YOU LIVE IN BARCELONA (my sarcastic observations):
1. You always say that you will have only 1 beer. You actually believe it. You have never had only 1 beer.
2. You know what a SEXY beer is and where to get it.
3. You know what are GUIRIS, you used to be one of them, but now you join the locals when talking about foreigners.
4. Serious conversations about leaving Barcelona freak you out.
5. You don`t mind walking a bit longer distance just to avoid La Rambla and you have no idea why all the tourists want to see it.
6. When you go abroad the most shocking experience is seeing a bartender pouring only 2CL or 4 cl vodka in your glass, because you are used to call 6cl a single.
8. Home is a place where you pay rent to a strange landlord, leave your stuff, take a shower and few power naps.
9. You know that manana is a wonderland, where out of a sudden everything you have promised to do will finally get done.
10. For at least 3 times this summer you have blamed the heat as an excuse to have another G&T. And then one more. Just the last one.
11. On a daily basis you hear the word "paro" at least 3 times. It`s the biggest ambition of a working class (when there is a choice) :D.
12. You are tired of explaining that yes, you have lived here for 3 years already and no, you haven`t learned Spanish fluently. YET.
13. When you read the protest sign made by vecinos (neighbor community) "GUIRIS GO HOME"(foreigners go home), you agree. And then you realize that you are a foreigner. But you still believe it`s about the other foreigners, not about you.
14. You look after your belongings all the time. Unconsciously you look after also other people`s belongings. If you could ever catch a pickpocket, you would use that chance as a revenge for all the stuff they have stolen from you.
Also you have genuinely stopped trusting people and rarely engage into conversations with strangers (even women, children, couples etc), because you think that most probably they will try to rob you.
16. You have at least 5 interior design items that you have picked up from the street. Because it is cool, it is for free and Ikea is far away from the center.
17. You could write a manual on creative ways how to survive in humidity and heat.
18. The only place you don`t want to end up in is Jamboree. You always end up in Jamboree.
19. When after a pub crawl you have decided to behave yourself and walk home you find it hard to avoid walking trough Placa Reial (just for a second, just to have a look). You always run into someone you know (sitting on the fountain) and end up staying out until sunrise. Again. Dammit!
20. Those 13 rainy days a year are the worst days of your life and you have no idea how you survived them.
For a final closure all I can say is that you can take me away from Barcelona, but you will never be able to take Barcelona away from me. The roots of my soul went quite deep into the heart of city and no power on earth could ever change what I feel about this place and what I learned while living there. Thanks to everyone who added value to 3 very important years of my life.
& CHEERS FOR NEW BEGINNINGS!
10.8.15
FLASHBACK
It might be true that good things come to those who wait, but the best things always arrive unexpected and storm trough life leaving you naked in ecstasy. They easily break trough the thick walls of your being and when it finishes, you`re not the same anymore. Euphoria does not last very long, but it`s powerful enough to prove that you are not who you think you are.
It is hard to admit, but I might have thought about that kiss for a couple of times before it actually happened. Thought just raced trough my mind and I quickly got rid of it as it did not make any sense. But there was a bond and it was getting stronger and stronger. I felt understood, accepted and safe. At the night when he pushed me against the wall in a way I could not move and squeezed his lips onto mines, there was nothing in the world that would feel more right and appropriate than that moment. It was supposed to end there, but it did not. More kisses followed and a whole month of August was spent in an unrealistic world, where sky was the limit and finally being with someone felt even better than being alone. For someone like me, addicted to freedom and paranoiac of commitments, it was a very unusual sensation, but beautiful.
It is hard to admit, but I might have thought about that kiss for a couple of times before it actually happened. Thought just raced trough my mind and I quickly got rid of it as it did not make any sense. But there was a bond and it was getting stronger and stronger. I felt understood, accepted and safe. At the night when he pushed me against the wall in a way I could not move and squeezed his lips onto mines, there was nothing in the world that would feel more right and appropriate than that moment. It was supposed to end there, but it did not. More kisses followed and a whole month of August was spent in an unrealistic world, where sky was the limit and finally being with someone felt even better than being alone. For someone like me, addicted to freedom and paranoiac of commitments, it was a very unusual sensation, but beautiful.
2.11.14
22.2.14
To my special one!
I
never thought I would fall in love so deeply again. When you have
truly loved once in life already, it is hard to believe that it
might happen again. I am a proof of the fact, that it is possible.
And even if it feels like you are familiar with all the emotions and storms caused by the strongest power on the Earth, when "love comes to town" all you have ever known loses it`s value.
But what is LOVE? As I have worked as a bartender for quite a while, I would like to compare it with a drink. The best and the worst cocktail at the same time. A cocktail that does not have a recipe and every time it tastes different. LOVE can be sweet as Amaretto and joyful as Jack Daniels with coke, but sometimes it`s the worst vodka and a tequila shot on top of it. It has the power to make you crazy happy and sometimes you stay awake half a night vomiting... A whole bouquet of feelings and emotions in one tiny glass, and if you get lucky - with some ice to cool down!
That`s what it is - I`m so in love I can`t help myself and if it makes me a fool time to time - I can`t be asked to give a damn.
My heart has been broken before, and I was sure, that nothing could fix it...until the day my path was crossed by someone very magical and charming.
It was beautiful and scary at the same time. In a really short time of us knowing each other, it turned out that my "right & only one" is right and only not for me alone. I met many others like me - swearing to God to sacrifice nearly everything just to be around my intended, just to be a part of her life and willing pay any price to make it happen.
I was sure that it`s not going to last long, that time will pass, pink glasses will fall off and I`ll be able to give up feelings towards something that had become an addiction and obsession. I was only partly right - pink glasses did fall off, but instead of seeing reality and not liking it, I fell in love with the ugly face and truth more than ever.
This love has a special smell - the aroma of wind that has raced all over the Mediterranean, fallen leafs which turns into pale-brown during the Autumn and rustle under feet, forever marijuana, urine, aftershave and fancy female perfume that either kick in all together or one by one, depending on where you are.
It always makes me high - does not matter if you take drugs or never have even heard of them - the love itself is addictive and stimulating. Does not matter, if it`s a short walk on La Rambla at 3am, book and beer in Parc de la Ciutadella, party-rocking in Port Olimpic or mind-blowing view from Bunkers - Barcelona sends impulses to your brain to make you love the place and and without even knowing that, pretty soon you find it impossible to leave...
But should you even try? I don`t think so.
Be who you want to be, do the craziest thing one could ever think of, break the rules.
overcome boundaries. DANCE. Drink too much WHISKEY. Make LOVE. Love.... Master languages. Learn. Think about life. LIVE. challenge yourself.
And even if it feels like you are familiar with all the emotions and storms caused by the strongest power on the Earth, when "love comes to town" all you have ever known loses it`s value.
But what is LOVE? As I have worked as a bartender for quite a while, I would like to compare it with a drink. The best and the worst cocktail at the same time. A cocktail that does not have a recipe and every time it tastes different. LOVE can be sweet as Amaretto and joyful as Jack Daniels with coke, but sometimes it`s the worst vodka and a tequila shot on top of it. It has the power to make you crazy happy and sometimes you stay awake half a night vomiting... A whole bouquet of feelings and emotions in one tiny glass, and if you get lucky - with some ice to cool down!
That`s what it is - I`m so in love I can`t help myself and if it makes me a fool time to time - I can`t be asked to give a damn.
My heart has been broken before, and I was sure, that nothing could fix it...until the day my path was crossed by someone very magical and charming.
It was beautiful and scary at the same time. In a really short time of us knowing each other, it turned out that my "right & only one" is right and only not for me alone. I met many others like me - swearing to God to sacrifice nearly everything just to be around my intended, just to be a part of her life and willing pay any price to make it happen.
I was sure that it`s not going to last long, that time will pass, pink glasses will fall off and I`ll be able to give up feelings towards something that had become an addiction and obsession. I was only partly right - pink glasses did fall off, but instead of seeing reality and not liking it, I fell in love with the ugly face and truth more than ever.
This love has a special smell - the aroma of wind that has raced all over the Mediterranean, fallen leafs which turns into pale-brown during the Autumn and rustle under feet, forever marijuana, urine, aftershave and fancy female perfume that either kick in all together or one by one, depending on where you are.
It always makes me high - does not matter if you take drugs or never have even heard of them - the love itself is addictive and stimulating. Does not matter, if it`s a short walk on La Rambla at 3am, book and beer in Parc de la Ciutadella, party-rocking in Port Olimpic or mind-blowing view from Bunkers - Barcelona sends impulses to your brain to make you love the place and and without even knowing that, pretty soon you find it impossible to leave...
But should you even try? I don`t think so.
Be who you want to be, do the craziest thing one could ever think of, break the rules.
overcome boundaries. DANCE. Drink too much WHISKEY. Make LOVE. Love.... Master languages. Learn. Think about life. LIVE. challenge yourself.
I TRULY LOVE YOU BARCELONA!
6.2.14
Confession
I feel nothing.
Numb as a statue in the most beautiful place of the town. Standing there lonely in between hundreds of people passing by daily, taking pictures, adoring it, but not being able to feel a thing.
It is like taking part in your own life, but never getting involved, never letting anything closer than the smooth and shiny surface, which looks so hard and resistant.
Deep inside anything that once upon a time made me sense myself as someone special and unique has packed up and left.
Stuck in my own head and trapped outside at the same time.
That`s a whole defense castle I`ve built to protect myself from danger and disappointment. Felt safe for a while, but now it is suffocating me from the inside and I can`t get out, I can`t breath.
It has been such a long time trying to lose myself into the crowd, remaining permanently busy, avoiding the real myself and living a life of an alter-ego.
I know the reasons, just it is nearly impossible to go back there to deal with all the demons chasing me.
But I have to...
I can` t believe that in 6 days it`s going to be 10 months since I lost her. Such a long time, but I remember every single detail as it was only yesterday. Every day I deal with flashbacks of the worst time of my life and trying to get rid of them at the very moment they appear has made me exhausted.
I miss my mother so much and the feeling of guilt is something too heavy to carry. I should have been there every minute from the very day she was diagnosed with leukemia. Every fucking day. Instead I was a chicken and saw her twice. 1st when she had already lost all of her hair and 25kg of weight, 2nd - in the funeral.
For the last 3 weeks of her illness I even didn`t talk with her...first of all - because she couldn`t speak, second of all because I knew what is going to happen and I was so scared to face the evidence of inescapable. Just I never thought that the end would come so fast, I hoped that she`ll have a few years more to share with me....it turned out to be 3 months.
I realize it is a very wrong attitude, but I just can`t forgive myself for not being there, for not going home earlier, for being so scared and naive...... Pictures of her alone in the hospital, weak and pale, funeral, burning her clothes, our home back in Latvia are chasing me like shadows, that appear every time when sun comes up.
I lost my best friend and there isn`t any price that I would refuse to pay or any thing that I would not sacrifice just for having her back.
I need to get this out of my system, because time passes, but I`m getting only more and more cold-hearted in order to avoid the pain of losing someone you love.
It`s fucked up, I know....
I live a wonderful life in a place I love, surrounded by inspiring people, have sorted the basic needs for a normal life, having adventures and opportunities to develop myself - there is nothing the the way appart from the fact, that I don`t feel ANYTHING...No pain, no happiness, no excitement, no fear, no anger.....
Like I would live a life of someone else - telling joke
s, laughing, going out, experiencing things, but not really being there. Hard to explain...I`m a bit lost I guess...
1.1.14
PICKPOCKETS IN BARCELONA
The Police in Barcelona sucks dick!
It is official now.
Had an amazing day, full of laughter and joy till....till I was robbed....robbed AGAIN. Don`t get me wrong, I love Barcelona to bits. For me this place is a pure magic and every moment here is worth it. But honestly - the question has to be asked - for how many times you have to get robbed and listen to the stories of other people who has experienced the same to make someone FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!?!
Phones, bags, passports, wallets, cameras, bicycles, glasses - it is a clever move not to own any of these belongings, if you live/visit Barcelona. This place is just like a black hole, which will swallow everything that has any value. Local pickpockets has invented thousands of ways how to leave you with empty hands and huge WTF in your head. You can`t trust anyone in this city. I have heard the maddest stories of the ways how people has been robbed - fake policeman, fake bird shits and an extremely kind person promising to help, lost couples, little girls, prostitutes, beer sellers, beggars and admirers - all of them know very well where your purse and iphone is even before saying hello to you. Without even knowing that, you`ve been observed for hours before the shit happens.
The statistics are terrifying - I`ve met hundreds of people, spoken to thousands and about 70% has been victims of this terrible and annoying sort of crime.
The sad part of the story is that despite the fact that many people lose their valuables daily, local knights (aka police) has no interest in even hearing about it. Unbelievable is the fact that streets are daily filled with hundreds of policemen in nice uniforms riding fancy motos or ATV`s and all the pickpockets, prostitutes and paki`s, who are as illegal as one can ever get, and they seem to be the best mates - passing by each other (maybe they wear cloaks to become invisible), nearly saying hello and wishing a good and productive day...
But you better do not ever think of riding a bicycle with your earphones on or do not dare to walk on the street where actually thousands of people are walking every day... Or don`t get lost in underground if you are a tourist and you don` t know how and where to get in/out... It all is going to cost you 100-300 euros, cuz being a damn human makes you are criminal here, but being a criminal and asshole makes you invisible.
That`s just the way it is!
I am sure the legal institutions has some inside deal with all the trouble makers here. Thousands of belongings has been stolen and barely any has been recovered. That definitely says a lot about the problem - it exists and is real as shit. Scary as well....
Sun, beach, food, drinks, spirit of BCN - you could enjoy that easily...unless..unless you would not need to occupy your mind with worries about getting robbed in most unexpected moments.
Another lesson learned, time to get the sexy belly bag and continue rock&roll...till the next tinme <3
http://www.geenstijl.nl/mt/archieven/2013/09/roemeen_legt_roemeense_zakkenr.html
It is official now.
Had an amazing day, full of laughter and joy till....till I was robbed....robbed AGAIN. Don`t get me wrong, I love Barcelona to bits. For me this place is a pure magic and every moment here is worth it. But honestly - the question has to be asked - for how many times you have to get robbed and listen to the stories of other people who has experienced the same to make someone FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!?!
Phones, bags, passports, wallets, cameras, bicycles, glasses - it is a clever move not to own any of these belongings, if you live/visit Barcelona. This place is just like a black hole, which will swallow everything that has any value. Local pickpockets has invented thousands of ways how to leave you with empty hands and huge WTF in your head. You can`t trust anyone in this city. I have heard the maddest stories of the ways how people has been robbed - fake policeman, fake bird shits and an extremely kind person promising to help, lost couples, little girls, prostitutes, beer sellers, beggars and admirers - all of them know very well where your purse and iphone is even before saying hello to you. Without even knowing that, you`ve been observed for hours before the shit happens.
The statistics are terrifying - I`ve met hundreds of people, spoken to thousands and about 70% has been victims of this terrible and annoying sort of crime.
The sad part of the story is that despite the fact that many people lose their valuables daily, local knights (aka police) has no interest in even hearing about it. Unbelievable is the fact that streets are daily filled with hundreds of policemen in nice uniforms riding fancy motos or ATV`s and all the pickpockets, prostitutes and paki`s, who are as illegal as one can ever get, and they seem to be the best mates - passing by each other (maybe they wear cloaks to become invisible), nearly saying hello and wishing a good and productive day...
But you better do not ever think of riding a bicycle with your earphones on or do not dare to walk on the street where actually thousands of people are walking every day... Or don`t get lost in underground if you are a tourist and you don` t know how and where to get in/out... It all is going to cost you 100-300 euros, cuz being a damn human makes you are criminal here, but being a criminal and asshole makes you invisible.
That`s just the way it is!
I am sure the legal institutions has some inside deal with all the trouble makers here. Thousands of belongings has been stolen and barely any has been recovered. That definitely says a lot about the problem - it exists and is real as shit. Scary as well....
Sun, beach, food, drinks, spirit of BCN - you could enjoy that easily...unless..unless you would not need to occupy your mind with worries about getting robbed in most unexpected moments.
Another lesson learned, time to get the sexy belly bag and continue rock&roll...till the next tinme <3
http://www.geenstijl.nl/mt/archieven/2013/09/roemeen_legt_roemeense_zakkenr.html
27.8.13
29.7.13
16.7.13
10.7.13
9.7.13
30.6.13
Letter to MY life!
If I am going to get through all what I am going through alive, I don`t think that there is ANYTHING else in the world, what can beat me down. Nearly nothing.
It is not a provocation. Life, don`t mess with me anymore. One day, when I`ll stand strong again, I`ll prove that you were wrong by choosing me to be the one, you`ll try to break. Everything you ask me to carry is so fucking heavy, that it`s hard to walk, but it is not breaking my back yet.
What kind of lessons you want me to learn, by hurting me so badly? If you have so many difficult tests for me, why don`t you help at least a little with finding the right answers, before I decide to quit the school you have arranged for me?!?!?!
Time to time I believe, that all what happens is really unfair, that by accident I`ve chosen somebody`s else`s life, because it`s so hard to believe, that in such a short while the whole world could turn upside down so badly.
But then I think, that maybe I`ve been a bitch in my previous life and I owe something to Karma, so she`s bitchy with me now.
But there is no logic,because until some certain point, everything was going great, I was so full of joy and love towards life, nothing made me think, that at some point there won`t be any happy days anymore. Just a valley of pure stress and pain.....
And whom to blame? Hah. Only myself.
It is not a provocation. Life, don`t mess with me anymore. One day, when I`ll stand strong again, I`ll prove that you were wrong by choosing me to be the one, you`ll try to break. Everything you ask me to carry is so fucking heavy, that it`s hard to walk, but it is not breaking my back yet.
What kind of lessons you want me to learn, by hurting me so badly? If you have so many difficult tests for me, why don`t you help at least a little with finding the right answers, before I decide to quit the school you have arranged for me?!?!?!
Time to time I believe, that all what happens is really unfair, that by accident I`ve chosen somebody`s else`s life, because it`s so hard to believe, that in such a short while the whole world could turn upside down so badly.
But then I think, that maybe I`ve been a bitch in my previous life and I owe something to Karma, so she`s bitchy with me now.
But there is no logic,because until some certain point, everything was going great, I was so full of joy and love towards life, nothing made me think, that at some point there won`t be any happy days anymore. Just a valley of pure stress and pain.....
And whom to blame? Hah. Only myself.
28.6.13
Pass it forwards
We were driving incredibly fast. That was the fastest I have ever experienced in my adventures seeking life, but it totally felt like not enough. I was looking for a danger - those moments, when you pull the gas grip and the front wheel of a motorcycle lifts up in the air or, when you try to sneak through the traffic jam going really fast and tack in between cars, never knowing, which car might be the "too close" one.
Strong wind was crashing in to the helmet and my hands were strongly wrapped around the waist of driver. I wanted to let them go, lift them up into the air and feel an absolute freedom of fear and pain, I had experienced in past few months. "Faster, faster" I urged. Adrenaline raised and I could not stop myself from desiring more.
First time in immeasurable time I caught a while of inner peace. For a moment my brain stopped and I felt so released from the shit storm that was going on in my head. Nothing, but that one moment. I will always remember it as something special.
P.S. to myself: ONE DAY GET A MOTORCYCLE AND LEARN TO DRIVE. FAST. I MEAN IT.
Now I realize that 8 months in UK was a nightmare. I have never been so unhappy, unsatisfied, tired and exhausted of my own life. Never. Wrong place, very wrong people, who drained me and my happiness. Now, when I have started my "recovery" in Spain, I look back and can't recognize myself. So much I have changed.... too much. When was the last time I laughed from my heart? When was the last time I lived a day without swallowing tears and pretending to be fine and happy?
A long, long time ago. First time in my life I have a regret, first time I feel that so much time has been wasted...
But not anymore. Never ever again.
Thanks to Universe, that I have so extremely amazing friends, who were there for me in the right way, when I needed it the most. There are no words to describe, how grateful I am and how much it means to me, how much they actually saved my life and me. I`m so full of good vibes so I`m gonna pay it forwards.
Time passes so quickly and world changes in front of my eyes, it is not easy to follow. Now it has been 1month and 16 days since I lost my mother - definitely the closest person I have ever had. I still have no idea, how to react, how to be, I don`t think about it, but nearly every day my breathing problem reminds be of that sad bit of reality.
It happened like a jiff... like a blip... like a flash.... just... I wasn`t ready. One day she is there exchanging philosophy of life with me and the other day I am late already. Too late to say for the 1000000th time, how much I love her and how much I need her in my life. I still repeat it every single day with a hope that she hears me..that she knows...
I will always remember the fear I experienced, while she was in hospital. I was so scared to call, to scared to pick up the phone, so scared of bad news. I didn`t know how to deal with it and now I blame myself for not reacting fast enough, for not being there till the last moment.
I have never wished to turn back time, but this time I do... just to see her smile and let her stroke my hair in a way she always did, tickle her and make her laugh.
No idea, how much time it`s gonna take to get over it. Will I ever? Of course I will. Time is the best medicine and I`m taking it.
But no more sadness, I am just trying to get it out of my system step by step, word by word...
I am back in Spain and everything goes really well for now. Nearly all the documents are sorted, got a job (or two), going to start my training on Monday in a place I like a lot. Planning to apply for a Spanish course in August, need to get my bycing card and then I`m gonna fit in this crazy city like everybody else.
It was a very good idea to come here and start everything from zero. Totally and utterly the right decision. I feel free, my inner joy is returning, new dreams are born and Barcelona is always full of fun and mad surprises, I like that.
Soooo, cheers for better days I guess! Everything is going to be alright and Im falling in love with life again!
Strong wind was crashing in to the helmet and my hands were strongly wrapped around the waist of driver. I wanted to let them go, lift them up into the air and feel an absolute freedom of fear and pain, I had experienced in past few months. "Faster, faster" I urged. Adrenaline raised and I could not stop myself from desiring more.
First time in immeasurable time I caught a while of inner peace. For a moment my brain stopped and I felt so released from the shit storm that was going on in my head. Nothing, but that one moment. I will always remember it as something special.
P.S. to myself: ONE DAY GET A MOTORCYCLE AND LEARN TO DRIVE. FAST. I MEAN IT.
Now I realize that 8 months in UK was a nightmare. I have never been so unhappy, unsatisfied, tired and exhausted of my own life. Never. Wrong place, very wrong people, who drained me and my happiness. Now, when I have started my "recovery" in Spain, I look back and can't recognize myself. So much I have changed.... too much. When was the last time I laughed from my heart? When was the last time I lived a day without swallowing tears and pretending to be fine and happy?
A long, long time ago. First time in my life I have a regret, first time I feel that so much time has been wasted...
But not anymore. Never ever again.
Thanks to Universe, that I have so extremely amazing friends, who were there for me in the right way, when I needed it the most. There are no words to describe, how grateful I am and how much it means to me, how much they actually saved my life and me. I`m so full of good vibes so I`m gonna pay it forwards.
Time passes so quickly and world changes in front of my eyes, it is not easy to follow. Now it has been 1month and 16 days since I lost my mother - definitely the closest person I have ever had. I still have no idea, how to react, how to be, I don`t think about it, but nearly every day my breathing problem reminds be of that sad bit of reality.
It happened like a jiff... like a blip... like a flash.... just... I wasn`t ready. One day she is there exchanging philosophy of life with me and the other day I am late already. Too late to say for the 1000000th time, how much I love her and how much I need her in my life. I still repeat it every single day with a hope that she hears me..that she knows...
I will always remember the fear I experienced, while she was in hospital. I was so scared to call, to scared to pick up the phone, so scared of bad news. I didn`t know how to deal with it and now I blame myself for not reacting fast enough, for not being there till the last moment.
I have never wished to turn back time, but this time I do... just to see her smile and let her stroke my hair in a way she always did, tickle her and make her laugh.
No idea, how much time it`s gonna take to get over it. Will I ever? Of course I will. Time is the best medicine and I`m taking it.
But no more sadness, I am just trying to get it out of my system step by step, word by word...
I am back in Spain and everything goes really well for now. Nearly all the documents are sorted, got a job (or two), going to start my training on Monday in a place I like a lot. Planning to apply for a Spanish course in August, need to get my bycing card and then I`m gonna fit in this crazy city like everybody else.
It was a very good idea to come here and start everything from zero. Totally and utterly the right decision. I feel free, my inner joy is returning, new dreams are born and Barcelona is always full of fun and mad surprises, I like that.
Soooo, cheers for better days I guess! Everything is going to be alright and Im falling in love with life again!
27.6.13
HAPPINESS
Even running up the stairs feels like something I have never done, because for so long I lived without any true joy. I am a newborn. This is the life I love to live.
26.6.13
12.6.13
8.6.13
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