Confession

I feel nothing. 
Numb as a statue in the most beautiful place of the town. Standing there lonely in between hundreds of people passing by daily, taking pictures, adoring it, but not being able to feel a thing. 
It is like taking part in your own life, but never getting involved, never letting anything closer than the smooth and shiny surface, which looks so hard and resistant.
Deep inside anything that once upon a time made me sense myself as someone special and unique has packed up and left.
Stuck in my own head and trapped  outside at the same time.
That`s a whole defense castle I`ve built to protect myself from danger and disappointment. Felt  safe for a while, but now it is suffocating me from the inside and I can`t get out, I can`t breath.
It has been such a long time trying to lose myself into the crowd, remaining permanently busy, avoiding the real myself and living a life of an alter-ego.
I know the reasons, just it is nearly impossible to go back there to deal with all the demons chasing me.
But I have to...
I can` t believe that in 6 days it`s going to be 10 months since I lost her. Such a long  time, but I remember every single detail  as it was only  yesterday. Every day I  deal with flashbacks of the worst time of my life and trying  to get rid of them at the very moment they appear has made me exhausted. 
I miss my mother so much and the feeling of guilt is something too heavy to carry. I should have been there every minute from the very day she was diagnosed with leukemia. Every fucking day. Instead I was a chicken and saw her twice. 1st when she had already lost all of her hair and 25kg of weight, 2nd - in  the funeral.
For the last 3 weeks of her illness I even didn`t talk with her...first of all - because she couldn`t speak, second of all because I knew what is  going to happen and I was so scared to face the evidence of inescapable. Just I never thought that the end would come so fast, I hoped that she`ll have a few years more to share with me....it turned out to be 3 months.
I realize it is a very wrong attitude, but I just can`t forgive myself for not being there, for not going home  earlier, for being so  scared and naive...... Pictures of her alone in the hospital, weak and pale, funeral, burning her clothes, our home back in Latvia are chasing me like shadows, that appear every time when sun comes up.
I lost my best friend and  there isn`t any price that I would refuse to pay or any thing that I would not sacrifice just for having her back.
I need to get this out of my system, because time passes, but I`m getting only more and more cold-hearted in order  to avoid the pain of losing someone you love.

It`s fucked up, I know....

I live a wonderful life in  a place I love,  surrounded by inspiring people, have sorted the basic needs for a normal life, having  adventures and opportunities to develop myself - there is nothing the the way appart from the fact, that I don`t feel ANYTHING...No pain, no happiness, no excitement, no fear, no anger.....
Like I would live a life of someone else - telling joke
s, laughing,  going out, experiencing things, but not really being there. Hard to explain...I`m a bit lost I guess...